Indians Claim “Surgical Strike”. Lol.

paki-soldier

Pakistan News Agency, Karachi.

According to highly placed sources in the army, a battalion of Indian soldiers crossed the LOC and entered the highly volatile Pakistan Occupied Kashmir. This is reported to have happened in the wee hours of the 30th morning. The Indian armed forces in Delhi issued a statement saying this was a ‘surgical strike’ on Pakistan and urged their citizens to use the hash tags, ‘#SurgicalStrike’ and #Modi52Inches while tweeting.

However, our highly placed sources privy to goings on in the border region claimed otherwise. Our source claimed it was a routine exchange – one that happens regularly at the LOC . According to Brigadier Mallick, who commands LeT (Line-e-Tactical control) in the Pakistan Occupied Kashmir, “We had set up a lure model close to the border. Several rare Pokemons had shown up. The Indian army crossed over to get hold of Pikachu as they are hardly found on the other side of the border.” When asked about the loud explosion that rocked the valley, he clarified that it was a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 which was being used by a Pakistani soldier to play Pokemon Go.

He added that it was a normal occurrence for both sides to crossover in order to catch Pokemons. It must be noted that several times In the past Pakistani soldiers from Jaish-e-Muhammad have crossed over to catch Charmanders and other Pokemons in cities as far as Delhi and Mumbai. Lt Gen (retd) Khan said “Poke-walks are common in the subcontinent. In fact, not just India, when I was commanding the Abbottabad battalion in 2010, even the Americans came down here when we set up a Lure model. They caught the world’s rarest Pokemon in our country.”

The so called #SurgicalStrikes that India claims to have carried out, comes close on the heels of the Uri attacks that happened a week ago, where several Indian soldiers mysteriously killed themselves in the middle of the night. It is said that India has been trying to pin the blame on Pakistan for the Uri Attacks. Our government top brass claims that the Indian army has come severely under pressure from their Chief Patriotic Officer and future MP of BJP, Arnab Goswami, to avenge the self-inflicted Uri attacks. Goswami is reported to have even shouted in his news studio, “Kashmir and Swaraj is my birthright. And Sushma will make sure I have them both.”

Further, officials here claim the Indian Prime Minister Modi came under severe pressure from Twitter users from across the country to attack Pakistan in the week following the mysterious death of their soldiers in Uri. Hence, the false news of this ‘hash tag Surgical Attack’ when all that ever happened was a harmless Poke walk. It is being widely reported that India also plans to ban Pakistani performers in Bollywood. A very senior official in Nawaz Sharif’s office spoke to Indus News on the condition of anonymity, “India is staging these attacks so that Modi can win the elections in UP. And they are using this as excuse to ban Fawad Khan from Bollywood because very soon, he will have more followers than Ranveer Singh on Instagram. That is simply unfathomable for them.”

Pakistan’s External Affairs ministry has been facing the heat for the last couple of days denying to the international community and media that any sort of ‘surgical attack’ took place on its soil. The ministry released an official statement this morning: “No sort of ‘hashtag surgical attack’ took place on our Pakistani soil. India is imagining things. Our terrorists and terror camps on the border are completely safe and continue to operate successfully.”

Post these developments, it will be interesting to see if Pakistan will continue to go on Poke-walks to India. And if it does, will it enter from the Kashmir side or take the longer route and enter from China to catch those Zubats.

 

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