Public Service Message: Save The IPL

Don’t know how many of you have noticed this disturbing trend, but the IPL is becoming too much about cricket. Virat’s relationship with his bat is making more noise than his relationship with, well, Gautam Gambhir. People have been mumbling about Gayle’s form being as unpredictable as the ending of the previous sentence. Everyone is going on and on about Kings Eleven Punjab not getting its team composition right. (Well, that’s actually not true. Nobody talks about Kings XI Punjab anymore. Not even Preity Zinta.)

Lalit Modi put his blood, sweat and Shashi Tharoor’s tears into creating this league for fans to talk about Anushka; not about Virat’s centuries. The league was designed for players to slap each other. For team owners to slap security guards. For Sreesanth’s employment. For Sreesanth’s towel’s employment.

When Lalit Modi and gang founded the IPL, the mission statement was:

“The IPL will strive to be a league where rich people will spend a ton of money to buy teams, and then they’ll spend a lot more money to buy the best players in the world for these teams, and then they will pay these players a lot more money to, ah, perform poorly.”

The first few editions saw the mission statement being followed to the T. It made the IPL, IPL. The 2013 edition of the IPL saw match fixing charges being framed against Srinivasan. Obviously, he’s into fixing. The man runs a cement company. In the first edition, Harbhajan Singh, a Deputy Superintendent of Police in Punjab, slapped a criminal five years before the crime could be committed. In 2011, the Saharas bought a team. And then, shut it down. Later on, Raj Kundra’s team got disqualified. Srinivasan’s team got disqualified. (Let’s spare a thought for Vijay Mallya, right now. The dude was so broke that he didn’t even have enough cash to get involved in a match fixing scandal.) It was all going right for the IPL.

Until this year.

The only cricket related controversy to have popped up during this IPL was Manoj Prabhakar wanting to sue the makers of ‘Azhar’ for saying he took money to underperform. IPL, your shit is really fucked up if Manoj Prabhakar beat you to a controversy. Yes, Manoj Prabhakar. The man who was the Ajit Agarkar of the 90s. Manoj Prabhakar and Ajit Agarkar were both considered all rounders only  because they couldn’t bat, bowl or field properly. Come to think of it, if Prabhakar goes to court and wins the case, he will make some money. But if he loses the case, it’ll mean he’s already made his money. Sweet deal.

It’s high time IPL got its shit together. It needs to do something. Bring back those good ol’ fashioned fixed matches. Maybe get Azharuddin involved if need be. Renowned captain, fixer and has had a Bollywood actress for a wife (that too, Salman’s ex). Doesn’t get more IPL than that.

It’s also time for the players to pull up their socks. They need to do some drugs off the field or on the field or on the umpire.

Somebody’s gotta do something.

Come on, Delhi. You still have a match or two left. Live up to your cliché. Next time, the umpire declares one of your batters out leg before wicket, don’t walk back to the pavilion. Walk to the umpire, take out a gun and hold it to his head and ask, “Janta hain mera baap kaun hain?”

The IPL desperately needs a hero. Somebody who will rise to the occasion. Somebody who will rise above the game to save it. Before cricket entirely destroys it.

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